Breathe Series
by Katt9966
Summary: A series of drabbles which are snap-shots of Dutch's life.
1. Default Chapter

Title: - Breathe Series.

Author: - Katt.

E-mail: - kattanonhotmail.com

Feedback: - Like it or loathe it let me know.

Archive: - Archived at the Shield Fanfiction Archive.

Warnings: - Parts of this series will look at the issue of child abuse, if this subject upsets you please read no further.

Disclaimer: - I don't own any of the characters of The Shield, they all belong to Shawn Ryan and FX.

Author's Notes: - The inspiration for this series was provided by a story written by Kageygirl in the Star Trek Enterprise fandom, which can be found at her site www.kageygirl.com. I have tried to contact Kageygirl to ask her permission to adapt her idea, but unfortunately I have been unable to do so. However, she deserves all the credit for the original idea, and if she contacts me at a later date and requests I remove this series I will of course do so.

Breathe 1.

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Breathe – he had to breathe, to make it through the pain.

His face pushed down into his pillow, which was wet from his tears.

The stabbing agony that was inflicted on him stealing his breath, his voice, his soul.

A breath turned into a whimper, a sob.

The heavy body above him thrusting, invading, violating, breaking him.

His father's voice groaning, grunting. His father's mouth licking, biting. His father's fingers bruising, scratching.

His body aching, pain-filled. His mind numb, screaming. His soul sullied, shattered.

But he needed to breathe. He needed to survive. Eyes squeezed shut a hitching, gasping breath.


	2. Breathe 2

Title: - Breathe 2.

Author: - Katt.

E-mail: - kattanonhotmail.com

Rating: - G.

Feedback: - Like it or loathe it let me know.

Archive: - Archived at the Shield Fanfiction Archive.

Disclaimer: - I don't own any of the characters of The Shield, they all belong to Shawn Ryan and FX.

Author's Notes: - I managed to contact Kageygirl who very graciously gave me permission to adapt her original idea and use it in this series. If anyone wishes to read the story that provided the inspiration for this series it can be found here: - www.kageygirl.com. Many thanks to Kageygirl for her generosity.

Breathe 2.

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Breathe – his lungs were screaming. Blood pounding in his head. He pressed his lips tightly together, refusing to give in.

He needed to be quiet, unmoving, invisible, so they wouldn't find him.

No more taunts, no new bruises.

He just wanted to be alone, to fade into the background.

Coming closer, searching for him.

His heart thudding, wanting to breathe, afraid they'd hear, betrayed by a breath.

Coming nearer. Fighting the urge to bolt, to run.

The buzzer, the end of recess, the end of the hunt – until tomorrow.

Could he hold his breath that long, fade away to nothing?


	3. Breathe 3

Title: - Breathe 3.

Author: -Katt.

E-mail: - kattanonhotmail.com

Rating: -G.

Feedback: - Like it or loathe it let me know.

Archive: - Archived at the Shield Fanfiction Archive.

Disclaimer: - I don't own any of the characters of The Shield, they all belong to Shawn Ryan and FX.

Breathe 3.

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Breathe – gasping breath, acid burn of bile in his throat.

Head hot, pressed against the cool cubicle wall.

Eyes closed, trying to steady himself, to be calm.

Stomach muscles aching, palms wet, sticky, a single bead of sweat running, tickling down his back. Head pounding, heart fluttering in his throat. Nerves ragged, on edge.

The most important day of his life. He had to get it right, he had to pass. His escape into a new life.

His dreamed of, cherished, new life, where he'd be a new person.

The Academy entrance exam.

Five more minutes, one more dry heave.


	4. Breathe 4

Title: -Breathe 4.

Author: - Katt.

E-mail: - kattanonhotmail.com

Rating: - R.

Feedback: - Like it or loathe it let me know.

Archived: - Archived at the Shield Fanfiction Archive.

Disclaimer: - I don't own any of the characters of The Shield, they all belong to Shawn Ryan and FX.

Breathe 4.

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Breathe – through your mouth, they said it would be easier.

Now he could taste death, decay, putrid on his tongue.

Open staring eyes. Throat slashed wide, gaping.

Blood painting walls, and floor, and her.

She'd lain there for days, undiscovered, undisturbed.

No longer pretty. Now bloated, rotting, ugly.

His first dead body, his first murder.

The advise of his training officer ringing in his ears.

"Don't look at them as people, and breathe through your mouth, cause it'll stink. You'll get used to it."

But she was a person, and he swore to her, he'd never get used to it.


	5. Breathe 5

Title: - Breathe 5.

Author: -Katt.

E-mail: - kattanonhotmail.com

Rating: - G.

Feedback: -Like it or loathe it let me know.

Archive: - Archived at the Shield Fanfiction Archive.

Disclaimer: - I don't own any of the characters of The Shield, they all belong to Shawn Ryan and FX.

Breathe 5.

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Breathe – he'd forgotten how. His breath, his heart stolen by her.

Watching her walk down the aisle. Feeling a rush of love, overwhelming, intoxicating, cleansing.

Her love for him like divine alchemy, changing him, healing him.

Love that he'd never experienced before, strong, immutable, breath-taking.

A silent vow – he'd never hurt her, betray her, leave her.

He'd give his life for her. Everything he was he'd willingly sacrifice for her.

She was by his side. A nervous breath, turning towards her. Unable to keep the smile from his face, unable to mask his joy.

His love reflected in Lucy's eyes.


	6. Breathe 6

Title: -Breathe 6.

Author: - Katt.

E-mail: - kattanonhotmail.com

Rating: - PG-13.

Feedback: -Like it or loathe it let me know.

Archive: - Archived at the Shield Fanfiction Archive.

Disclaimer: -I don't own any of the characters of The Shield, they all belong to Shawn Ryan and FX.

Breathe 6.

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Breathe – he'd forgotten how. His heart ripped apart by her.

Lied to, betrayed, destroyed.

They'd schemed behind his back, laughed at him.

He was stupid, trusting, blind.

The life, the family, that should've been his, stolen, leaving him with nothing.

Empty and desolate.

No tears left, just bitterness, an aching void.

Happiness snatched away. The façade torn down, built on lies.

How stupid he was to think he could be happy, that he deserved happiness.

The black, evil canker in him from his childhood marked him as tainted.

His father's voice,

__

"No one will ever love you."

He'd been right.


	7. Breathe 7

Title: -Breathe 7.

Author: - Katt.

E-mail: - kattanonhotmail.com

Rating: - R.

Feedback: - Like it or loathe it let me know.

Archive: - Archived at the Shield Fanfiction Archive.

Disclaimer: - I don't own any of the characters of The Shield, they all belong to Shawn Ryan and FX.

Author's Notes: -An episode tag for "Pilot".

Breathe 7.

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Breathe – gasping ragged breaths while fumbling for the light-switch.

The memory of her eyes, terrified, frenzied, staring up at him from the darkness of her prison.

He hadn't been able to stay. Mumbled excuses about the ambulance.

The real reason, those eyes.

He'd seen them in the mirror so many times after his father had finished with him. He knew if he looked now he'd see them again.

His eyes, Jenny's eyes the same.

Now they shared an invisible bond. A whispered secret only they'd hear.

Breathing slowing, no more sleep tonight.

Was Jenny dreaming he wondered? Screaming, trapped, suffocating.


	8. Breathe 8

Title: - Breathe 8.

Author: - Katt.

E-mail: - kattanonhotmail.com

Rating: - PG.

Feedback: - Like it or loathe it let me know.

Archive: - Archived at the Shield Fanfiction Archive.

Disclaimer: - I don't own any of the characters of The Shield, they all belong to Shawn Ryan and FX.

Author's Notes: - An episode tag for "Our Gang".

Breathe 8.

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Breathe – focus, don't dwell on it.

So he'd been used. It wouldn't be the first time.

His boss had no respect for him, and apparently neither did anyone else.

Old pain surfacing.

Wanting to fit in, belong. Knowing he'd always be on the outside, one step behind.

He'd trusted Aceveda and been used.

He should know better than to trust. Every trust given, trampled, destroyed.

A deep breath, with it determination rising up.

He'd survived worse. He'd prove his worth.

He'd keep his trust inside, else one day the trust would be gone. Leaving only bitterness, loneliness and darkness behind.


	9. Breathe 9

Title: - Breathe 9.

Author: - Katt.

E-mail: - 

Rating: - PG-13.

Feedback: - Like it or loathe it let me know.

Archive: - Archived at the Shield Fanfiction Archive.

Disclaimer: - I don't own any of the characters of The Shield, they all belong to Shawn Ryan and FX.

Author's Notes: - An episode tag for "Cherrypoppers".

Breathe 9.

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Breathe – and smile, old lessons.

Mind spinning, he'd nearly broken the golden rule…he'd nearly told.

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"It's a secret, our special secret Holland. If you tell they'll all know how bad you are, making me do these things."

No longer a child's belief and fear. Now an adult's humiliation and shame.

So desperate for Danny's forgiveness he'd nearly told.

He listened to her chatter in the kitchen. Relief rushing through him. He'd come so close, but she hadn't understood the horror behind,

"When I was a kid…"

Push the secret and pain away.

Memories of broken children…Jenny, Sally, Holland.


	10. Breathe 10

Title: - Breathe 10

Author: -Katt

E-mail: - 

Rating: - R

Feedback: - Like it or loathe it let me know

Archive: - Archived at the Shield Fanfiction Archive

Disclaimer: - I don't own any of the characters of The Shield, they all belong to Shawn Ryan and FX.

Author's Notes: - Takes place during the episode "Dawg Days".

Breathe 10

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Breathe – slowly, calmly, don't give anything away.

Claudette said she could tell, see it in the eyes.

Had she seen it in his eyes?

No…she would've said something, been concerned. Wouldn't she?

He hid it too well. Even now he was calm, functioning on the outside – frantic, panicked on the inside.

The years of practice would see him through.

He'd interrogate Miguel, sympathize. Apply rape to himself as a "what if". The things he'd do to his "imagined" attacker. Things he wished he could do.

All the time avoiding eye contact with Claudette…in case she saw too much.


	11. Breathe 11

Title: - Breathe 11

Author: - Katt

E-mail: - 

Rating: - R

Feedback: - Like it or loathe it let me know

Archive: - Archived at the Shield Fanfiction Archive

Disclaimer: - I don't own any of the characters of The Shield, they all belong to Shawn Ryan and FX.

Author's Notes: - An episode tag for "Cupid and Psycho".

Breathe 11

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Breathe – in gasps and moans and pants.

It had been too long. Despite the nag of doubt he hadn't been able to resist.

The act of sex itself wonderful. Pleasure racing through his veins.

But more than that.

To touch and be touched. Smooth warm skin. Gentle mouth…lips, tongue.

Breath ghosting over his flesh. Making it tingle, making him shiver.

Alone for so long. Insular yet craving a connection with another human being.

Moving against each other. Taking, giving – fulfilling a mutual need.

Rushing together towards completion.

Two lonely people reaching out, and finding some solace with each other.


	12. Breathe 12

Title- Breathe 12

Author- Katt

E-mail- PG-13

Feedback- Like it or loathe it let me know

Archive- Archived at the Shield Fanfiction Archive

Disclaimer- I don't own any of the characters of The Shield, they all belong to Shawn Ryan and FX.

Author's Notes- An episode tag for "Dragonchasers".

Breathe 12

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Breathe – regain control, replace the mask.

Tears on his face marking him as weak.

Words, black on white, showing him to be transparent. All his weaknesses there to be seen, written by a monster.

A monster he'd stopped, but not quickly enough to save Sally.

A monster who'll be replaced by another.

Success and respect will be transitory. Pain and despair eternal.

Wiping the wetness from his face making sure no one had seen.

Knowing he'd won this battle, but that he was doomed to lose the war.

He didn't make a difference. He couldn't save anybody – not Sally, not himself.


	13. Breathe 13

Title- Breathe 13

Author- Katt

E-mail- PG-13

Feedback- Like it or loathe it let me know

Archive- Archived at the Shield Fanfiction Archive

Disclaimer- I don't own any of the characters of The Shield, they all belong to Shawn Ryan and FX.

Author's Notes- An episode tag for "Circles".

Breathe 13

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Breathe – enjoy the sensation. It was so underrated, this simple involuntary action.

Rudi, Patrick and Chris couldn't enjoy it anymore. They couldn't enjoy anything – not their families, not their friends, not a sunset, not another breath. Their lives snuffed out by three kids who looked through eyes that saw **what** they were, not **who** they were.

That dull, hate-filled gaze had fallen on him, the mock gunshot mimicking his life being ripped away too. Claudette had been enraged by that gesture, while he'd felt nothing at all. Such indiscriminate brutality no longer surprising. Making him feel tired, empty…beyond caring.


End file.
